Team Parenthood: You don’t need five ruckmen on the field
In the past, many societies thrived on close-knit communities where extended families, neighbours, and friends played a vital role in child-rearing. Children had the opportunity to observe adults caring for infants, guiding adolescents, and managing the complexities of family life. This exposure not only provided valuable insights into parenting but also helped instil a sense of community and shared responsibility. Instead, Modern living and the decline of these traditional close-knit communities has given rise to a generation of parents who, in many cases, did not have significant exposure to children until they became parents themselves. Additionally, they may not have been adequately prepared for the multifaceted roles and responsibilities that come with raising a family, including the realisation that some of these responsibilities may necessitate sacrifices, such as setting aside hobbies, reduced opportunities for socialising, and temporarily adjusting the dynamics of intimacy within the relationship.
It's worth noting that conflicts and adjustments within relationships are common occurrences in the first three years after having kids. This is because, with the arrival of children, couples often find themselves transitioning from fairly independent lives to interdependent ones, where they must work together to meet the needs of their growing family. These profound changes can lead to occasional or not-so-occasional strains and arguments as couples navigate this new phase of their relationship.
Navigating these changes in your relationship often occurs concurrently with learning how to care for an infant or child at any stage, where challenges are ever-present. The child is completely dependent on a caregiver, and with fatigue, stress, and other pressures, it can feel overwhelming. In these moments, the relationship challenges may sometimes seem like they're put in the 'too hard' basket, leaving both partners feeling frustrated and unsupported. Unfortunately, this can lead to a situation where the relationship takes a back seat to the demands of parenthood. Over time, if not addressed, these issues can strain the marriage to the point where it may seem irreparable.
It's important to highlight that these challenges are common, and with support and effective communication, couples can overcome them and strengthen their relationships despite the initial difficulties that come with parenthood.
To ease the way through these challenges, consider giving yourself the gift of effective communication skills before embarking on the adventure of parenthood. This proactive step isn't about adding more to your plate; it's about equipping you both with the tools to dance through the beautiful chaos of raising a child while keeping your relationship strong and fulfilling.
We had our first born in Melbourne, Australia. In the early days, I often felt like I was in a never-ending cycle of breastfeeding, dealing with sore nipples, and having tired, sleep-deprived eyes. I'm sure many can relate to that familiar story—it's a common part of new motherhood. I felt like I had to do everything, and going far from home seemed nearly impossible. My husband, Chris, was eager to help, but our baby wouldn't take a bottle and would cry until I returned. It seemed that our little one was comforted by my presence and the familiar scent of me.
During those times, Chris would express how he sometimes felt useless and lost in fatherhood, saying, "What's the use in trying?" However, rather than sitting around and doing nothing or being absent, he decided to take initiative. He came up with a brilliant idea—he called it my "night station." This was his way of contributing during my nightly routine, especially during the after-dinner feed.
My night station included all the essentials I needed: lanolin for sore nipples, painkillers, a heat pack, a clock to track time, a gentle night light, and, of course, a glass of water. Chris didn't have to do this, but his thoughtful initiative made me feel incredibly seen and supported. It was his way of acknowledging that he knew I was working tirelessly through the night to care for our little one.
Chris's actions reminded me that parenthood is a partnership, and sometimes, it's the little things—like setting up a night station—that make all the difference. It was a beautiful gesture of love and support during a challenging time, and it strengthened our bond as parents and as a couple.
When we reflect on our experiences we know that effective communication and well-defined roles have been the cornerstones of our relationship, guiding us through the tumultuous waters of parenthood. While no relationship can be termed "perfect" by any standardized measure, there's one aspect we consistently agree on: parenthood challenges aren't rooted in each other's failures, inadequacies, or shortcomings. Rather, it's the inherent difficulties and time constraints that come with raising kids that truly test us. This shared perspective has been a rock-solid foundation for us.
However, even with this shared understanding, occasional disagreements or differences in priorities do arise. I remember a time when I felt the need to create an algorithmic checklist for Chris to refer to before heading out for his 5 am surf sessions. Surfing, as I saw it, was a nicety.
I’m not devaluing the importance of well-being, fitness, and the need for a physical and social outlet. However, if I’d had a particularly challenging week with little sleep, catching up on sleep took precedence. Even if it meant missing that perfect wave. Working together as a team means that he would find another time during the day for his fitness and socializing needs, and though it was a sore point for a while, he’s come to accept it as one of the many sacrifices of parenthood.
What we both understand though, is that one day, he might be able to head out for a surf at the drop of a hat without worrying about sleep schedules. Perhaps he will have the boys in tow, sharing those waves together and I will get my “me time” as we continue to navigate the beautiful journey of parenthood. Our experiences have taught us many lessons, and flexibility and compromise have certainly been among them. As we continue to grow, I'm excited to see how our roles and priorities may shift in the years to come, all while keeping our communication and partnership strong.
Ultimately, my mother was right, in the speech she made at our wedding she said “as partners you have different roles to play but always remember you’re playing for the same team.” Thanks mum, see I do listen!
More recently, life in our cosy North Vancouver home revolves around our one-year-old and a three-year-old. When Chris returns home from work, his first question is always, "How is everyone?" closely followed by "What can I do?" I've got to say, I really appreciate that one. As he switches roles from engineer to dad/husband I continue as mum/wife neither of us get a break we just work different roles.
Chris is a man of many talents, but mind reading isn't one of them. And that's perfectly fine by me. Perhaps my experience in nursing settings and working in drug and alcohol youth services has made me appreciate the value of a quality handover. After all, no matter how brilliant a person is, they can't possibly know the emotional rollercoaster, poo schedule, eating habits, or the ever-elusive sleep schedule without asking. When he arrives home, he does whatever is most urgent and every now and again it’s just to sit and have dinner and a drink with us.
Now, here's the universal truth about raising our little boys at home – no two days are ever quite the same. It's a wild and unpredictable ride, but it's our ride, and we wouldn't have it any other way (maybe?). Like everyone else, we are just doing our best to stay together, stay sane and raise lovely people.
The diminishing village life highlights the importance of role definition and division of labour within the family unit. It’s personal and it doesn’t look the same in any two houses. Nurture the parents provides comprehensive support and resources for new parents, especially during the planning phase before the baby's arrival to make the transition more successful. Parenting education, community programs, and online forums can help bridge the knowledge gap and connect couples with valuable insights and guidance. Encouraging open dialogue and shared experiences among parents can also foster a sense of community and support in an increasingly fragmented world.
Ultimately, while the landscape of parenting has evolved, the fundamental desire of parents to provide the best possible upbringing for their children remains constant. By acknowledging these challenges and actively seeking resources and support, today's generation of parents can continue to adapt and grow in their roles, ensuring the well-being and development of the next generation.
Defining roles within a couple can be a fantastic adventure in keeping your household running smoothly and your relationship thriving. And guess what? Roles don't have to be traditional or boring! In fact, they can be as unique as you are, and each of you brings something special to the table. So, whatever role you choose, rock it like a superstar, and remember, timing is everything.
Communication is key in this playful game of partnership. Make sure to chat about your roles and expectations, and don't hesitate to shake things up or try new strategies as life throws its delightful curveballs. Because, let's face it, with those adorable bundles of joy, life changes fast and frequently. Embrace the adventure!
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