Choose your balls carefully
Today, I found myself amidst a sea of kindred spirits at a motherhood conference that tugged at every chamber of my heart. The air was thick with stories that echoed my own, sending shivers down my spine and at times, summoning a tear or two as I faced the mirror of my own journey in their words. It's astonishing, really, how we, as women, can walk such different paths and yet find ourselves in the same forest of struggle, often silently wrestling with the courage to seek a helping hand.
There's a peculiar shame that shadows the joy of motherhood—the fear of feeling misplaced in a role you've yearned for.
The most delightful insight I gleaned was about the art of balance, the myth of 'having it all.' You have heard the quote about juggling so many tasks successfully. Women want to know the secret to successfully having it all. The speakers didn't shy away from acknowledging that keeping every ball in the air isn't always possible. Author, Nora Roberts once offered a valuable perspective on this balancing act, suggesting that some of the things we're trying to keep aloft are like plastic balls, which can bounce back if we let them fall. Others are like glass balls, delicate and crucial, which we must handle with care to prevent them from shattering. The trick lies in recognizing which aspects of our lives can withstand a drop and which ones need our careful attention. Gillian, a beacon of wisdom from Mom Camp, posed a question that struck a chord: Why must we drop any balls at all? Why not gently set them down, or better yet, choose fewer balls to begin with?
I ask, oh why, must we juggle? Clowns juggle. We are mothers, each with our own circus, perhaps, but certainly not clowns.
Yet, I must linger a moment longer on this metaphor, the idea of intentionally choosing what to focus on and what to let go of can be liberating. It's a reminder that not everything holds equal weight, and that it's okay to set some things aside in order to protect what's most important—the "glass balls."
Next leads me to the part of the day that sat less comfortably with me—a panel that spiraled into a venting session about husbands. The term 'toxic masculinity' is often tossed around, but today, I bore witness to what I'd call 'toxic femininity.' Bear with me as I unpack this.
Consider for a moment the biological duet that dances us into motherhood—the 'man's balls,' if you will. Without this contribution, the very fabric of motherhood would be non-existent.
The role of men in modern parenting is important. Society is experiencing a significant cultural shift where traditional gender roles are being re-evaluated and, in many cases, redefined. This shift can indeed be challenging for everyone involved, as it requires learning new skills and ways of being that may not have been modeled by generations before us.
Toxic behaviour, regardless of gender perpetuates harmful stereotypes and dynamics. When our partner doesn’t match our expectations in domestic bliss, perhaps it's not a sign of failure, but an invitation to communicate and let go of control. I believe in a balanced approach, where both mothers and fathers are supported and encouraged to contribute to family life in a way that's healthy, empowering to both parents and sustainable.
In a poignant conversation about the mental load that comes with motherhood, one panellist opened up about her reality of working from home as a business owner alongside her husband, who is a remote employee. She expressed a sense of imbalance, perceiving that her husband regarded her professional endeavours as secondary, which implicitly designated her as the default parent to interrupt her workday for the children's unexpected needs or emergencies. Yet, isn't there a silver lining to consider? Owing to the autonomy of her business and being her own boss, she possesses the flexibility to be present for her children, a privilege that could be met with gratitude rather than resentment towards her partner.
The psychological differences in how men and women process and respond to situations can be stark. However, we have the power to choose our perspective. By fostering gratitude, we can initiate a ripple effect of positive change, starting within our homes and extending into the broader community. It's a poignant reminder that often, we are our own greatest obstacle.
By shifting our narrative, we can transform challenges into opportunities for growth and kindness.
The truth is, modern mothers are navigating a storm our foremothers never braved—striving to 'have it all' in a relentless symphony of multitasking. The 'mental load' is a modern chorus, but it's one we've written ourselves into. Once upon a time, mothers weren't expected to tend to home and career simultaneously. Yet now, as we've stepped back into the workforce, men are stepping into roles within the home—a beautiful, if challenging, evolution. Open communication and shared understanding are key to navigating these changes without falling into resentment or burnout. Many men may not have had role models for the kind of engaged fatherhood that's increasingly expected today, and they need support and encouragement to grow into these roles.
Let’s ponder the future of our men. History hasn't asked them to cradle the domestic sphere as they do now. If humanity's timeline were a clock, our men only put down their hunting spears 6 minutes ago. They're navigating uncharted territory without a compass, as the role models before them charted different maps. As expectations and realities shift, it's important to consider how men are coping with these changes and what support they might need. Fathers are less likely to seek help or attend conferences as readily as mothers which directs us to a broader issue of how society views men and vulnerability. Men are good, truly. I believe they're showing up, eager to support and love, even if the path isn't second nature. We're all a little lost in this new world, aren't we?
As we stand at the crossroads of dual full-time jobs and shared household duties, there's a risk that both parents will stumble into the same pit of burnout. To foster a future where families thrive, we must extend a hand to our men, to support them as they learn to support us.
If we fail to do this, I fear fathers will become the next wave of silent strugglers, unlikely to seek solace in fatherhood conferences or the like.
Remember, the fathers of tomorrow, are our sons today.
While the challenges may be significant, so too is the opportunity for growth and change as we redefine what it means to be a parent in today's world. Let's write a new narrative together, one where every parent has a chance to flourish without the fear of dropping the ball—glass, plastic, or otherwise.
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