Neural beginnings - How parenthood reshapes your brain
I once came across an idea that went something like this, "When a couple has a child, she changes and he wishes she didn't, and he doesn't change and she wishes he did." This sentiment echoes in the hearts and encapsulates a common perception about the changes that occur in a relationship after a couple becomes parents. The transition to parenthood is indeed profound, and it affects mothers and fathers differently, both biologically and socially.
Why is this so? The journey into motherhood is akin to being swept into the tides of change, where a woman finds herself navigating the relentless waves of caring for a newborn. For women, the biological changes are often more immediate and can be more intense due to pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum adjustments. This transformation is not just about the visible shifts in daily life—like the ebb and flow of nutrition and the tides of fatigue that influence our interactions, thoughts and feelings. It's also about the profound hormonal shifts that are less visible but equally potent. Hormones like serotonin and dopamine play significant roles in maternal behaviors and emotions. Oxytocin, the hormone that deepens our bond with our child for example, is associated with attachment, increasing significantly in mothers during childbirth and breastfeeding. Cortisol, the herald of our stress responses. All these changes in hormone balance play leading roles in the theater of maternal change – her thoughts, her feelings and her behaviours.
“When a couple has a child, she changes and he wishes she didn't, and he doesn't change and she wishes he did”
Yet, there is an unsung hero in this narrative—the brain. The phenomenon of 'matrescence'. A term used to describe the process of becoming a mother. It is a period of identity shift and significant neurodevelopmental changes where a woman's brain undergoes significant developmental remodeling, mirroring the tumultuous period of adolescence. Studies have shown that during matrescence, women can experience changes in brain regions involved in social cognition and self-perception, which can affect their behaviors and attitudes.
But let's not forget the fathers. Their journey often more socially constructed and less biologically driven, yet equally complex. While men do experience hormonal changes when they become fathers, such as decreases in testosterone and increases in oxytocin, these changes are typically less pronounced than in women. Men's brains also embark on a path of developmental reconstruction, albeit in their own unique way. The changes may be less visible, less dramatic, but they are no less real.
Experiences can vary widely among individuals and cultures. Not all women or men will experience these changes in the same way, and the dynamics of how each parent adapts to their new role can be influenced by many factors, including personality, support systems, cultural expectations, and the division of labor at home.
The difference in the way mothers and fathers adapt to parenthood can lead to tension in a relationship. Mothers may feel overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood and wish for more support and change from their partners. At the same time, fathers may wish for the pre-parenthood relationship dynamics. In this dance of change, mothers may seem to embrace the tumultuous seas with an effortless poise, while fathers may appear to be seeking refuge, a place where the waters are calm and the path is well-trodden. This isn't simply a matter of resisting change; it's rooted in the very nature of men being solution-oriented. When thrust into the uncharted waters of parenthood without a map, many fathers feel adrift, unable to fix what they do not fully comprehend. Certainly it would seem, the struggles of parenthood is often less about the arrival of a new family member and more about the transformation of the parents themselves.
The key to harmony lies in the shared dance of growth and understanding. As partners, embracing this evolution together—with love, patience, and a willingness to learn about the 'new' each other. It's about growing not just as parents but as partners, as individuals coming into their own in this new chapter of life.
This is where 'Nurture the Parents' steps in. Our modern education systems and cultural narratives have failed to prepare us for this seismic shift in identity and responsibility. We are no longer raised in the proverbial village where the roles and expectations of parenthood are absorbed through osmosis from one generation to the next. Instead, we find ourselves facing a stark reality where the struggle is palpable, and the need for guidance is paramount.
The struggle is not just real; it's growing, and it won't dissipate by clinging to the status quo. This is the change both you and your partner need, whether you're meticulously planning for a baby or are already navigating the turbulent seas of 'parental-partner adolescence.' Understanding the 'why' behind these profound changes is the first step. With this knowledge, the 'how' becomes clearer, and the journey towards a harmonious adaptation to parenthood begins.
At 'Nurture the Parents,' we believe that when both mothers and fathers comprehend the profound neurological and emotional evolution that parenthood entails, they can better support each other. It's about equipping both with the understanding that they are not just raising a child, but also raising each other in their new roles. When we embrace this knowledge, we pave the way for a partnership that is not only resilient but also deeply empathetic to the monumental shift each is experiencing.
For those yearning to delve deeper, to navigate these waters with a steadier compass, consider this an invitation. Sign up, reach out, and take action. Together, you can chart a course through the beautiful, bewildering, and transformative seas of parenthood.